and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have already put on my inside pants.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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