Yo dont text me then not text me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
