I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
