Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
