My Higher Power is John Stamos
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
