You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
