just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
