Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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