he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
