I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
