He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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