I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
