went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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