I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
