Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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