i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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