R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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