She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
