she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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