What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
