Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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