ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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