he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
