don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
