i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
