What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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