my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
