Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
