ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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