just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
