??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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