It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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