Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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