I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
