Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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