would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
