She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
