Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
