you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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