I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
