i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
