i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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