Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
