Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
