you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
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You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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