I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm both gender and math confused
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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