just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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