I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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