weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
