i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
