words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
