8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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