shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
