i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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