roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
