we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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