i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
