I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
