how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
