shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
