She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
