How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
